more than 2h each day, mainly meditation still positions (legs, abs…). i didnt begin yet with the grass, too many things going on… but tomorrow, i swear i will.
i was so high up in my cloud that i didnt see it coming, and maybe for this it was coming.
4th house is the heart, and the mother. i have this weak point in my navamsa, in my soul. nahia has it in her rasi already, conventional chart. unresolved heritage from me to her… the mother daughter issue.
it is so difficult to write about this. But is the only way right now for me to invoke this pain, to put it in this page… my only friend.
I rarely feel rage in me, but i always find it around me: my parents fighting each other, then fighting me, that man that punched me out of the road to rape me, my expartner issues with his own management of angryness… and of course, my daughter.
Nahia was born howling, just like Rudra. She came out of me and cried for more than one hour, with her red baby face and her eyes full of angryness. The first months of her life it was very difficult to keep her calm, even if we were doing all the “right” things (breastfeeding in demand, cosleeping, child bearing… ) . but the fact was that during her first 4 months, when she was not sleeping she was crying in a painfully powerful way. And that moments of storm and thunder continued throughout all her childhood. We took her out of the school because every afternoon she would explode at home and cryed loudly for hours sometimes.
My daughter was conceive after the mother of his father died; when my cousin died in the bathroom of a macdonalds from an overdose, she was already 5 months in my belly. We try to think that all this pain build up in her little body and needed to be let out.
But since the begining i understood that her lack of peace was revealing a lack of peace within myself, mostly unexpressed or just expressed in reaction, but still furing within. Her pain was my pain, finally screamed out. But why me, i asked the universe, why me. I never rise my voice to her, i never insulted her, i never hit her, i rarely fought loudly with her father in front of her, im not a dominant mother, is very hard for me to exerce any kind of authority over her, i always try to reason and to negociate with her… but no matter how sweet i am, she is always gonna find a reason to be angry at me. sometimes she tried to hit me, scream to me, and control me: she doesnt like that i dance, or i sing in front of her, sometimes if i smile or say something, whatever, she picks a fight.
and again i ask… why oh why, why me why her, we love each other, we are tender caring we go out in nature, we spend time together, we talk to each other about our feelings and needs… all the things i didnt do with my own mum i do with her… still no trace of peace and resolution
today, she was so restless, she couldnt stop crying and complaining and fighting whatever we said. At some moment something like a bone broke in me, and i stopped trying to prevent her pain, to channel it, to postpone it escaping from it. I said to her that the only way out was through meditation, but she couldnt do it, she only calm down after a shower. But that’s the problem: we only pass on the pain, to the next moment, to the next person, to the next distraction to keep us away from the pain… but we never face it, fully facing it. so we just move the focus of angryness from one place to another, like a hot potato that just keeps getting hotter and hotter.
so this is what i hated when i was a child, as well as when i was coupled: we fight, we made up, we come back to fighting… ups and downs, unstable foundations of love, because we are each of us, scaping desesperatly our own unrest in each other’s ilusion. When the only way around it is to directly go towards it: like Shiva did, sit and control your breathing till you perceive the source of all things sustaining you from within, is this lack of union with our own inner bliss, with the root of our conciousness… what causes unrest and angryness.
we crave and crave distracction after distraccion to not face the simple fact of breathing and being still… but if we would actually do it, we would find true ever lasting peace: the feeling of god within.