today again i woke up at 4:20 for no reason. after the alarm sounded, i stayed in bed meditating for a long while, it was really hard to come out and to do the 2hs of jumping. it rained a lot so i ended soaking wet with frozen toes… but the sun in my face towards the end made it worth it.
Today during my morning meditation i was thinking about how to embrace this feeling of god in every action and interaction in our lives, to relate to everything like it’s sacred, including ourselves. That would simplify a lot of things, if we could actually apply it.
But then reality comes and slaps you in the face with something that unsettles you in such a way that you forget that THAT is GOD TOO: My grandma putting poop everywhere in the bathroom including her hands and clothes (what just happened this morning). Right now when im writting about it, i think it was kind of funny after all… just in the heat of the moment, i get all rudra like…
The teacher said in one of the videos i heard today, that for people like me with a lot shiva nakshatras in important placements, we should learn how to focus our angryness towards something worth destroying. In my case, i hate control, dominion and angryness, it truly makes me sick to feel it around me and even worst, inside of me. This is what i would really really happily destroy within me: the last latent creeping need to control anything and therefore my reaction of distress (hidden rage). What im trying to find here is deep true peace within, not just appear calm and collected most of the time, but to feel calm and collected ALL OF THE TIME.